Conversation Instead of Confrontation.

It's that time of year again, y'all...these ubiquitous candies will be distributed by the hundreds of thousands over the next couple of days.

Generally known by their given moniker, Conversation Hearts, I prefer to call them by their true description: flavored chalk.

I have never been a fan of these little gems, however my girls will down them by the handful. Meanwhile I'm begging, "Hey, let's see if we can use these hearts to write on the driveway!" Seriously.

Over the years I've read stories written by Romeos and Juliets, who owe their love to the clever boldness that is conversation hearts. "Johnny gave me a heart that read "Call Me" when we were freshmen in college and we've been together ever since!" gushes Susie. Or, "Mary revealed her intentions by giving me a "Love You" heart on Valentine's day," recounts Bobby. Gee, Mary...way to play it like a guy.

Yeah, they're cute...they're small and heart-shaped and pastel and emblazoned with cute sayings. Our new millennium finds Convo Hearts getting all techno with phrases such as "E-mail Me" and "Web Site." (Just "Web Site?" What's that supposed to mean? Oh, you, too, "Web Site.") But I have never been a fan of flavored chalk. Or of goofy sayings on small candies.

However I do think it would be really fun and rather useful to have convo hearts printed up for specific occasions. For instance, instead of confronting an annoying co-worker about her serious breath issue, you could sweetly hand her a pack of gum and a conversation heart that reads, "U Smell." Or, "Don't Breathe," if you want to be nice about it. I am all for avoiding confrontation. It makes me nervous and tired. Distributing convo hearts would be so much easier 'cause they'd do my dirty work.

How about a few to hand out at the gynecologist's office? "Ouch!" or "K-Y Please."

For that rude person who jumped the line at Starbucks: "Shove It," or "Kiss Off."

Celebrity bloggers getting too big for their britches? Yes, Perez, I'm talking to you: "New 'Do," "Get Real," or "You Suck."

When you want to tell off a friend: "Fear Me" or "Kiss Crack."

In-laws getting you down? Give them: "I'm Done," "Go Now," or "Step Off."

Husband feeling frisky but you've got a headache? Try: "Not Now," or "Ask 2-Morrow."

Fasting and praying for a better New Moon?: "Don't Suck," "I Beg U," and "Be Good!"

Met a hot vamp but afraid to make a move? I'm going with: "Bite Moi."
Eric, I love you, and I'm ready for True Blood to return. Amen.

Yep...these are the kind of conversation hearts I need in my life. Not a lame one in the bunch. (Do not get me started on the planned Twilight Convo Hearts, debuting next month. 'Cause I've already used the term "lame" in this post. Ahem.)


Thanks, Tiff-My-Love, for letting me be all up in your Bloggy Kool-Aid. I love you more than my luggage...



p.s. Jennifer P. outed your hot OB as her favorite post, which is mine, too. So I'll go with my runner-up: Marketing Genius. You know me and some tampons...especially cheerleading tampons.


Totally agree about the convo hearts. Gross comes to mind. Lame as well. I think the most logical solution would be to print something that really made sense like "bought this just to get some" then get rid of the faux fruit chalkyness and replace with chocolate. and in order to fit all that on there, it would have to be like 5" by 10", which totally makes it even better. Maybe top it off with a cappuccino standing nearby... wait, what was the question. Oh, yeah, the hearts, right, yuck.

I totally think your version of phrases are much more fitting also. Maybe someone from chalk hearts r us will see this and take note.
Amy said…
Ok Lula, this is very clever! I don't like the taste of those hearts but my husband is addicted to them. I have them in a huge jar in the dining room. I think a great business would be custom printing them.
Out Laundry clean
trash sink

Once again, you are brilliant!
Nikki said…
brilliant post.
but it is news to me that those things are flavored. Like different flavors? I thought they all came in chalk flavor?
Now... If they were candy coated chocolate these people might actually get somewhere with me... I never buy anything that can be purchased in large quantities for ten cents a few days later...
CaraBee said…
I have a confession: I kind of like conversation hearts. But then I also like the taste of Pepto Bismal, so clearly I have a thing for chalk. The sayings are pretty lame. How about for the kids: Be Quiet, Please Sleep!, Don't fight and Eat Your Vegetables or for the DMV employees: Smile Already, It Isn't That Bad, Chillax, or Please Let Me Be Next (That one might be too long).
Heather said…
So many good ones, I can't pick a favorite...

I'm not a big candy eater, so I don't even buy these things. Yuck. None of my kids like them, either.

Makes for good blog fodder, though.
Amy said…

That is such a funny post. I really wonder if you could draw with them. I should try it out. Some of those hearts do have silly sayings on them. Have a wonderful day.
Tony C said…
From the 'For guys to gals only' bag-

'Take Advil'
'Me first?'
'Shopping sucks'
'Yes gravy, duh'
'Ask again later'
'Game on TV'
'No whining'
'Crying isn't fair'

As always, you're on your game Lula!
Live.Love.Eat said…
Hah, good ones! I would buy yours but I don't know the last time I bought these or ate these. I am not a big candy gal but telling someone to Kiss Crack with them would come in handy!
bwahaha! That was hilarious! hehe. Okay, so I like the pink ones. And sometimes the white ones. The other colors can go to hell.

I like your ideas. You can call them Snarky Hearts. :)
Susie said…
I love the personalized convo hearts. My favorite is when they are used to propose. I think that's cute:-)
CB said…
I have to admit that I am still a child and love those little chalky convo hearts and eat them by the handfuls with wild abandon when my children leave for school! (hahhaahhah EVIL Laughter!!)

I am cracking up at the personalized hearts though - I would like some for offensive drivers - "Speed up Granny" and throw them at the car! Funny!

Thanks for the laugh today:)
Unknown said…
i'm ready for true blood to return too.. but you can have eric... my "Bite Moi" heart is going to bill
yum yum
Ash said…
Yep, right up there with candy corn.


Web site?

How about "Blog Me!" Brings to mind such delicious things...
Just Lisa said…
Love this!

Twilight convo hearts??? I'm intrigued!

Convo hearts are much like candy corn-- one or two are great, but more than that will induce vomiting!
Jen said…
Loving it Loving it!
Brandy said…
I hate those nasty candies too. The ones in cereal too. Ick. Gag.

And although I wouldn't eat them, I would purchase the ones marketed by Lula. Until then I guess I'll just keep telling people what I think out load.

I'm ready for some more True Blood too...think if we start a petition they might just start season 2 now?
Swirl Girl said…
They are simply stale Lucky Charms and have no place on this candy corn, marshmellow peeps and gumm anythings.

and Bite Moi can either go vampire or muppet - what do you think/
Gina said…
Um, do you think you could have the gyno ones released for my yearly next month???
Jen Sue Wild said…
Oh I cant stand conversation hearts Yuck!

You always crack me up!!
On day i might be abel to write with the same wit that you do.
Khadra said…
Love True Blood!!!
and yes, chalk. yuck.
KatBouska said…
Now every time I eat a heart candy I'll think of you and be all "I don't think it tastes like chalk!" while stuffing my mouth with another handful (but not without reading the heart first) necessary.

And web site?? Really??
Tiffany said…
You are the best.. "Don't Suck" bwwwaaaahahahahaha.

If I gave you one it would say, "Let's Make Out," or "Rosa's Nachos" or "why is that guy wearing a pink headband"
What a treat to get Lula today. I think her heart should say. Way cool. LOVE her.
S Club Mama said…
LOL Lula...I love you like a pregnant woman loves her an epidural! Very funny.
Jennifer P. said…
hahahahaha!!!! I don't know about convo hearts, but I know for sure that you can get m&m's made up to say all that stuff! I think I need a couple cases of the "K-Y Please" :)

Sorry to have stolen your favorite post----yours was my second favorite too!
Heather said…
First and foremost, kudos on using the word "ubiquitous" in this post. Love you.

Second, I...well...second your opinion on the flavored chalk thing. Disgusting!

Thirdly, not only did you reference True Blood, but used French in you convo heart idea thus making it sound so fancy and worthy of sitting in a sterling bowl on my coffee table.

And lastly, I couldn't agree more about the lameness of Twilight convo hearts. It's over the edge now. And cheapened. And I'm bitter.
Shannon said…
Oh, I would love ones that read "Kiss Crack"...

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