Is the Only Lonely?

I shout from the rooftop...."NO! NO! NO!"  I am so tired of  my child (who doesn't have any siblings) being referred to as an "only".  If you have 4 boys, are they called "sisterless"?

Seriously people, wake up.  Not having a sibling is not some kind of disease.  I swear, there is a prejudice among parents of what I am now going to call "multis".  "Oh, so you have multiples. Was that a choice?"  

Furthermore, I cannot believe the prejudices there are out there among my fellow WOMEN.  If you work, you're neglecting your kids.  If you don't work, you "gave up" your life to have kids.  If a you have a brood of kids you must be Mormon (or seriously Catholic) and your kids suffer from your lack of attention.  Not having kids?  Forget it, according to some, you'll regret that forever.... Why is it that we are one another's biggest critics?

When someone I don't know asks me, "So, when are you having another?" I give a polite explanation of my pregnancy.  6 weeks in the hospital, another 10 on an IV at home, vomiting 15 to 20 times a day, paralyzing nausea.  Fine.  It's when someone who KNOWS what I went through, knows I vomited up tissue from my esophagus, knows I had blood taken from my feet when the docs couldn't find a vein, knows I suffered for months and months with no relief. When they ask when I'm having another,  that's when I lose my FREAKING MIND.  Why, Lord, Why, do these people feel its their job to comment on the quality of life (or lack there of)  I am providing for my child by not giving him a sibling?

Should I have missed a year of his growth and development?  Should I have damaged my body further?  Should I have asked my family to watch me suffer like that?  For me, the answer is no.

And guess what?  My husband, who might very well be one of the best fathers I have ever seen, has no interest in having another.  He loves our life the way it is.  Does the fact that we only have one child make us less of a parent than those who have 2 or 4 or 6 or 8?  How could it?
Are you "more" of a mother now than your were with just your first?  

Once,  a woman said to me, "You have to have another child.  You can't do this to your son."    I also remember another woman saying to me, "It was good enough for God." (I love how things always seem to balance out.)

Now that I have ranted, I'd like to rave.  Rave about 2 friends who have NEVER made me feel like I was "missing" something.  My friend Heather (who has 4 fantastic girls) and my oldest friend, Kim (who has two amazing girls).  Both these women who love being mothers have celebrated my decision/reality.  When needed, they remind me of  the benefits of my life with one child.  They both acknowledge the difficulty of my pregnancy and they totally understand my decision not to do it again.

Does this mean they don't love their lives and their children?  Of course not.  What it does mean, is that they can be thoughtful and open to all situations...it means that:

        Celebrating my choice does not diminish their choice.  

These are the kind of friends I want to have, the kind of people I want to surround myself with.

And, when their girls are giving them tons of grandbabies or going to manicures with their mamma, I will celebrate their choice, as I already do.  

Comments

Heather said…
I would be crying even if I wasn't PMSing right now. You are beautiful and I love this post.
Coach Krista said…
Only is just fine. If all of us had the ability to have multiples to many of would be insane. I truely believe god gives us the blessings that are right for each and everyone of us. I am a mother of 3 and had a scarey second pregnancy. Almost losing my life along with my sons. I went back for more and had the princess of my life. I respect your decision and I rent out by the hour:) Our pathes have crossed. I was in Laguna Niguel before Colorado and then to the east coast.
Anonymous said…
I loved this, Tiff. I know your frustrattions. I get tired of being asked when we're having number two just because everyone lapped us. I'm like look people, "We moved to a different part of the state, got new jobs, live in a new neighborhood, have to find new friends, and are adjusting to life without having family 20 minutes away. Leave us and my uterus alone". I don't say those things but I think them :) Since I don't like the feeling, I don't ask anyone else. I rather find other topics of discussion. And I'm done feeling bad about working...that's another one that makes me angry.
Heather said…
Hey, sis. I tagged you...go read my entry today.
Anonymous said…
I think that the fact that you can give one child all your love and attentiom is a precious gift. My husband is an "only" child and he came out perfect! Plus, you know Will has a little sister, Sara!
Anonymous said…
You said this so well - the problem is that people want to think that their way is the best and sometimes only way - whether by choice or fate. We all know we don't always get to choose - but the fact that we celebrate the outcome actually lets us enjoy our fate rather than resent it - If I may quote a " sometimes I thank G-d for unanswered prayers". It's not always the outcome but rather the outlook.
The fact that you and Scott love eachother and are enjoying this special time with Will is more than most people do with 3-4- or 5 kids.....families are multi facited and what is seen on the outside is not nearly as important as what is happening on the inside ...you celebrate on and hopefully some of those people who speak out of their own insecurity or inability to see past their own nose become aware of the fact that they may not have done it right....the real message is that raising children and loving the person you married is great ( a small miracle)....the small details of how much or how many doesn't really matter as much as being able to fully love and live each day so well that it leaves a memory to last a lifetime.
I am so happy you have found friends who support and celebrate you - because you are so very special & have a way with words I must say! Laurie
Anonymous said…
Tiffany, I am so glad that you wrote about this. I've not had natural children - and I'm 36 next month. People are really surprized that I haven't popped out a few of my own. Isn't motherhood wonderful, how blessed you'll be, etc.

Had they known me, how I was raised - changing diapers, snotty noses, mountains of dirty clothes, dishes, and full time unpaid babysitter for a three month old with whooping cough - all by the age of 13 - a summer is a long time for a 13 year old.

Interestingly, I've always (since 15) known that having children wasn't what I wanted. Fate gave me a beautiful daughter by marriage - and she's a keeper!
I have so much love to give and I feel great that I can share with so many other peoples children. Its not selfishness, its the right choice for me.

Being one of 'those' people that asked when/if you'd have another - unknowing your history - I completely, completely and utterly understand and respect your decision.

We all make life choices guided by what we know to be right.

Stay true, and keep writing!
cricketphx said…
Rock on girl! You know that you and I are in the exact same boat! Joshua has no siblings, has tons of friends, and I wouldn't have it any other way. We love our family just the way it is!

Christa

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